I have this thing. I do it in moments when I feel I have let people down. It pops up in moments when I struggle with something I am constantly at battle with and I know I can do better. Often, it appears in relation to Lauren but not always. If it were symbolized by a visual, it’s like being surrounded by four walls with no visible entry point.
This has been one of the parts of my work for a number of years. I like to think I have improved but this part of my appears more than I would like. This week, it involved an UberEats gift card whose code I scratched off too quickly thereby rendering it unreadable and unusable.
There I went, brick by brick, building up those walls; I cloistered myself. After a few minutes of problem solving and a chance to breathe, we solved the problem and dinner was served. As we discussed, I was so grateful to have a partner who can be patient with me in this messy union of love.
Lauren always asks what she can do in these moments to break through? I don’t often have an answer but this time I asked if she could remind me that whatever the problem is, UberEats, a financial mistake, a mess, or any other number of things that we screw up, to remind me that we’ll figure it out.
One of the things I fear is that I will be solely identified by my flaws. Maybe that’s how I struggle with my self-worth, which is of course, not fair. When we bungle things, we’re worried that it’s only those moments by which we will be remembered. The true sign of a healthy relationship be they platonic or amorous is finding the people who can see you in the fullness of your being.
That dynamic also applies to the relationship between a God and a people. Toward the end of the 2nd chapter of Exodus, right after we’ve finished being introduced to Moses, we learn the following (2:24-26):
וַיִּשְׁמַ֥ע אֱלֹהִ֖ים אֶת־נַאֲקָתָ֑ם וַיִּזְכֹּ֤ר אֱלֹהִים֙ אֶת־בְּרִית֔וֹ אֶת־אַבְרָהָ֖ם אֶת־יִצְחָ֥ק וְאֶֽת־יַעֲקֹֽב׃ וַיְהִי֩ בַיָּמִ֨ים הָֽרַבִּ֜ים הָהֵ֗ם וַיָּ֙מׇת֙ מֶ֣לֶךְ מִצְרַ֔יִם וַיֵּאָנְח֧וּ בְנֵֽי־יִשְׂרָאֵ֛ל מִן־הָעֲבֹדָ֖ה וַיִּזְעָ֑קוּ וַתַּ֧עַל שַׁוְעָתָ֛ם אֶל־הָאֱלֹהִ֖ים מִן־הָעֲבֹדָֽה׃וַיַּ֥רְא אֱלֹהִ֖ים אֶת־בְּנֵ֣י יִשְׂרָאֵ֑ל וַיֵּ֖דַע אֱלֹהִֽים׃ {ס}
A long time after that, the king of Egypt died. The Israelites were groaning under the bondage and cried out; and their cry for help from the bondage rose up to God. God heard their moaning, and God remembered the covenant with Abraham and Isaac and Jacob. God looked upon the Israelites, and God took notice of them.
That last clause is the area I am focused on. After the first two verses where it establishes God hearing their cries, it’s redundant. Not only that but it could’ve even just said God looked upon the Israelites with compassion. But, it adds, God took notice of them. What does that add to the deeper meaning here?
Rabbi Levi Yitzchak of Berditchev, known as the Kedushat Levi offers the following interpretation:
God foresaw that there would be Children of Israel who would accept the Torah in due course, although at this stage they were still worshipping idols, also. The word וידע (took notice) always describes an intimate relationship to another person, so that when it is used here for God’s relationship to the Children of Israel, after previously the Torah only spoke of וישמע אלוקים, וישמע אלוקים, וירא אלוקים(sight language), the verb וידע introduces a more intimate relationship. God was now able to relate to the virtues of the Jewish people, whereas previously God had paid attention only to their shortcomings.
That last part is the key. To know someone according to the Kedushat Levi in this case, means that God truly understood the wholeness of the Jewish people’s experience. To be in that space is to fully see the other with all their beauty alongside all their warts. It represented a shift in their relationship in which they both felt seen and heard.
This is what we can strive for in our relationships. I am speaking about it in terms of a marriage partnership but I strongly believe in it for all relationships. We can’t be in deep connection with someone unless they really see us for who we are and we do the same for them. Anything less is superficial.
It reminds me of what one of my favorite writers and thinkers, Alain de Botton has to say about love:
If you say to people, “Look, love is a painful, poignant, touching attempt by two flawed individuals to try and meet each other’s needs in situations of gross uncertainty and ignorance about who they are and who the other person is, but we’re going to do our best,” that’s a much more generous starting point. So the acceptance of ourselves as flawed creatures seems to me what love really is. Love is at its most necessary when we are weak, when we feel incomplete, and we must show love to one another at those points.
I accept you and love you BECAUSE you include the flaws alongside the good. That’s how we know when we’re in the right relationships. That’s how a people could navigate out from their enslavement to freedom. And that’s how we can shatter the walls that we create around ourselves. Find those people.
Shabbat Shalom and Happy Weekend!
love me, love my flaws?
It's a little like having an I/You relationship, in Buber -speak.
Thanks. I always look forward to your Shabbat essays.
Thank you for another thought-provoking blog.
I have never liked the expression "when I was your age", back when I was young and people said that to me and when my children became young adults. But in this case, I will use this. When I was a child, I was very careless about my behavior and I know my words hurt classmates, friends, etc. As I matured, I became VERY aware of my flaws and beat myself up to be better. So, "When I was your age", I was also very mindful of errors I made to the point that it paralyzed me and certainly lessened my self-confidence. In fact, this was a major reason my early track of my career got sidetracked; this lack of self-confidence and perpetual pursuit of perfection (hmm, all those P's reminds me of "The Pinchas Paradox: pious priest or protective perpetrator?") and obsession to correct flaws. Luckily, the next career track went well and I gradually got self-confident and somewhat successful. Now as an older adult, I have, I guess, gone full-circle in not being overly concerned if I make an error, if I'm not perfect, but certainly experienced enough (both professionally and personally) that I will make fewer errors (say dumb things, make mistakes) that affect people or projects.
I am sure it will be a natural progression for you, but I hope you keep this in mind that in time, you will show fewer flaws and have the confidence to apologize for them and also move on and not be overly affected.
While I "have you", I want to comment on something you wrote a week or two ago, about looking for a new career. I am sure you have good reasons to do so, but I do want to let you know that in my experience with you you have done a GREAT job as a young rabbi in terms of your intellectual excellence as evidenced by these blog articles and dealing with you years ago at WJC. You are clearly emotionally intelligent, too. If you are not happy in the Rabbinate, I understand and do pursue other things (and no need to share any details with me). But just know that you have done an excellent job!
Shabbat Shalom,
Marc