The Provider

Emotional Gift Giving

*This will be delivered at Temple Israel Center on Shabbat, December 23rd, 2023

The synagogue where I work shares a parking lot with a church. Down the street there’s actually another synagogue at the far end of the lot, so you have three houses of worship all connected through one long parking lot. This is fairly obvious from the signage as you’re driving along the main road. Even if you don’t know the area, you can clearly see all the giant Cross and Stars of David. 

So there I was turning into traffic in one of those moments where the oncoming traffic is slowing to allow passage for the turning car. I sensed that the oncoming car was letting me go but little did I realize, he had no such plans. At that point, I had edged out far enough that he had to let me go or else our cars were going to meet. As I turned to him to offer my kind, Midwesternly wave and nod in thanks, I was greeted with a big, fat middle finger. 

That set me off. I thought, for a microsecond, who exactly do you think is coming out of these religious spaces, man?! That quickly morphed into a righteous indignation. As I turned to start driving the opposite direction, the fire in my belly had me stop my car, contemplate getting out to give him a piece of my mind, and maybe send something back in his direction. Then, the feeling abated, traffic behind me picked up, and off I continued on my journey. 

It got me thinking of the dynamic that when someone hurts us with word, deed, or a middle finger, we tend to have this response. I’ll show them! More often than not, that doesn’t serve us. Yet, the rage can burn. 

In a situation wholly different on the surface but echoing a similar emotional tone, we find ourselves in this week’s portion right as Joseph and his brothers fully come together. If you’re Joseph and the big reveal has just happened, what would you do? You’ve broken down in tears unable to hold back the torrent of emotions that have been plaguing you for decades. Now you’re face to face with your brothers who are at your total mercy. This is the moment. You can finally get them for all they’ve done to you!

וַיֹּ֨אמֶר יוֹסֵ֧ף אֶל־אֶחָ֛יו גְּשׁוּ־נָ֥א אֵלַ֖י וַיִּגָּ֑שׁוּ וַיֹּ֗אמֶר אֲנִי֙ יוֹסֵ֣ף אֲחִיכֶ֔ם אֲשֶׁר־מְכַרְתֶּ֥ם אֹתִ֖י מִצְרָֽיְמָה׃ עַתָּ֣ה ׀ אַל־תֵּעָ֣צְב֗וּ וְאַל־יִ֙חַר֙ בְּעֵ֣ינֵיכֶ֔ם כִּֽי־מְכַרְתֶּ֥ם אֹתִ֖י הֵ֑נָּה כִּ֣י לְמִֽחְיָ֔ה שְׁלָחַ֥נִי אֱלֹהִ֖ים לִפְנֵיכֶֽם׃

Then Joseph said to his brothers, “Come forward to me.” And when they came forward, he said, “I am your brother Joseph, he whom you sold into Egypt. Now, do not be distressed or reproach yourselves because you sold me hither; it was to save life that God sent me ahead of you.

Whenever I read this text, I always read the first line with an endearing amusement. I love that Joseph has to call them close because in their surprise, they probably think they’re about to meet a swift end. He has to say, “no, don’t worry, I am not going to kill you”…But he does deem it necessary to throw that little barb in there. “Remember, I’m the brother you sold into Egypt.” The silence after that must’ve been tense!

Then we get the line I don’t think many of us expect we could offer. Don’t be sad or get too mad at yourselves; this all worked out for the best.

Multiple things about this line jump out at us. Joseph is quite magnanimous. Granted the recent part of his life has gone swimmingly, but much of the early part of his life was filled with betrayal, abandonment, and hurt stemming from his brothers. So at this moment for him to immediately respond like this is surprising. Then, we have the double pronged emotional approach of not being sad or angry. Why doesn’t he stick to one emotion? How does he really know what his brothers are feeling?

The Malbim, a 19th century Ukrainian Rabbi and commentator asks those very questions and insightfully inserts the following thought into Joseph’s words:

to the group of the brothers who are regretful of their actions from the sale, he says “don’t be saddened” because of what happened. And to the side that are still angry, hate him, and feel ire that he has risen so successfully, he says, “don’t be angry within yourselves” for two potential reasons. You might be angry that I am now going to mete out punishment to you and you might be angry that your plans for attacking me didn’t really work. To both factions, he says, only good came out of this. 

Noting that there might be emotional diversity in their responses, the Malbim sees Joseph’s words as very intentional. Ever the good leader, he intuits that each brother has different feelings so in one sentence, he attempts to placate all parties involved.

There seems to be an attempt by many commentators to read a high level of emotional intelligence into Joseph’s response. Some of that seems organic to the character development of Joseph and some of it seems aspirational. It’s as if the Rabbis also understood what it meant to be on the opposite end of a Joseph like incident, when you’ve caused real harm to someone. They use Joseph as a character role play to teach a valuable lesson.

We also get this from the Or Hachayim, a Moroccona Biblical Commentator, who comments specifically on the “don’t be angry” piece:

When you sold me out, it turned out pretty badly for you in all different types of ways. This type of incident can cause great rage in a person for they intended to solve one problem (even one that was morally problematic), totally screwed up, and in turn cause great anger for themselves. On the contrary, he told them, what you kicked off resulted in a great result for now I can sustain you. 

Whether or not we buy what the Or Hachayim is arguing, who among us could imagine responding like that? To be a person who sees those that tried to cause one direct harm and after the fact be able to say, you know what, it all turned out for the best is a high bar. I know that such a response is not my speciality. And yet, here’s the story and the relevant commentaries which highlight something important. 

We’re all guilty of this feeling. We come up with a plan, hopefully nothing like what Joseph’s brothers did, and it fails. Not only does it fail but it does so spectacularly and in turn totally screws things up. How we could not feel self-loathing? Here, Joseph steps in as the great comforter to his brothers to teach them a lesson. Don’t be too sad. It’s in the past. Whatever anger you’ve been harboring, whether it’s directed at me or at yourselves, let.it.go.

That, to me, is wisdom. It’s the wisdom of a person who has lived a life of ups and downs, who understands what’s important and what’s not. He knows that time is finite after having spent much of it in captivity. He’s a person that has harbored grudges and resentment and finally understands what emotions are useful and which ones need to be shed. In this moment, he offers his brother a gift of release. In doing so, he bequeaths us, his spiritual benefactors, that gift as well. We are all Joseph AND we are the brothers.

The gift is explained by the Ishbitzer¹ through the prism of despair.

Namely, these brothers are in a sense of despair. Each of their days is worse than anyone else’s worse days. They’ve been admonished as spies. Their other brother has been imprisoned. They realize they’ve been set up and are about to lose their other brother. They have no hope. Then, suddenly, the revelation. I am your brother Joseph. In the blink of an eye, despair turns into salvation.

This hope/salvation/release, the Mei Hashiloach says, danced right opposite that despair this whole time. They just couldn’t see it. 

That is a lesson that we all can remember. No matter how rough it gets. No matter how diminished you feel. Often, your salvation is right in front of you. Sometimes you need someone to reveal it to you.

Joseph has many names. He is Joseph the Righteous and he is also Joseph HaMashbir, the Provider. Commonly understood because he provided food during a famine, I like to think that this too is a moment of emotional providing. Of course we can use the reminder when we’re in the brothers’ shoes. It’s also one that we can use when we’re in Joseph’s shoes. The next time someone does you dirty, wrongs you, sends a particular finger up at you, use this gift. Let it go and let them go and see what kind of release you can get.

Shabbat Shalom and Happy New Year!

1. The Mei Hashiloach, Rabbi Mordechai Yosef Leiner