*This will be delivered on 11/18 at Temple Israel Center as the d’var torah.
Here’s how it usually begins. I scroll on Twitter and see something inflammatory. My blood boils. Then, I see the response to it and the incensed feeling returns. Then, I read something from someone I kind of normally detest that I like but it feels gross because it seems petty and grudge-filled. Then, I read something from someone with whom I am normally in lockstep and I am enraged. This cycle has repeated itself so much over the last few weeks.
This is my first sermon since 10/7 and admittedly, I don’t really want to talk about it because it’s been an overload. So I won’t talk about the events of that day. But I do want to talk about what it’s doing to us because I am worried. I worry about the fiery rage and intense grudge holding that I see everywhere because I fear its repercussions, as righteous as it may be.
The thing is, rage has benefits. It can fuel us and activate us. It can provide us with a drive to do good. Unfettered though? That’s when things get dicey and that is what I am noticing around me in social discourse online and in person. It’s not owned by one end of the ideological spectrum either.
That’s because grudges are universal and ancient, with one of our earliest ones happening in this week’s portion, Toldot. As you might recall, Jacob and Esav war within the womb causing Rebecca immense pain and worry. That dynamic only continues later in life as Jacob barters a hot meal for his brother Esav’s birthright.
This part of the story comes to a painful close when Jacob, deceptively dresses himself as Esav to receive the prime blessing from his father. When Esav, who has been sent out to prep a feast for his father in the field, returns for the blessing, here is what happens:
When Esau heard his father’s words, he burst into wild and bitter sobbing, and said to his father, “Bless me too, Father!” But he answered, “Your brother came with guile and took away your blessing.”[Esau] said, “Was he, then, named Jacob that he might supplant me these two times? First he took away my birthright and now he has taken away my blessing!” And he added, “Have you not reserved a blessing for me?” Isaac answered, saying to Esau, “But I have made him master over you: I have given him all his brothers for servants, and sustained him with grain and wine. What, then, can I still do for you, my son?” And Esau said to his father, “Have you but one blessing, Father? Bless me too, Father!” And Esau wept aloud.
It’s one of the most painful moments in all of the Torah. The emotions jump off the page. We all know that unfair emptiness that Esav voices. When something you deserve is ripped right out from under your eyes, you can taste the bitterness.
It’s what follows this narrative that caught my attention this go-around:
וַיִּשְׂטֹ֤ם עֵשָׂו֙ אֶֽת־יַעֲקֹ֔ב עַ֨ל־הַבְּרָכָ֔ה אֲשֶׁ֥ר בֵּרְכ֖וֹ אָבִ֑יו וַיֹּ֨אמֶר עֵשָׂ֜ו בְּלִבּ֗וֹ יִקְרְבוּ֙ יְמֵי֙ אֵ֣בֶל אָבִ֔י וְאַֽהַרְגָ֖ה אֶת־יַעֲקֹ֥ב אָחִֽי׃
Now Esau harbored a grudge against Jacob because of the blessing which his father had given him, and Esau said to himself, “Let but the mourning period of my father come, and I will kill my brother Jacob.”
Can we blame him? Duped twice. Lost a birthright and a blessing to his brother. So, yeah, harboring a grudge seems like a legitimate response. Wanting to end his brother’s life though? Seems extreme! The Rabbis of the Talmud Yerushalmi call this feeling a hatred that preserves. In the same way that a chemical like formaldehyde can preserve something dead, this kind of prolonged grudge and hatred can deaden us.
Here’s the thing about Esav. The Rabbis really, really don’t like him. They create all sorts of stories about him that they retroject back into his story. He’s a murderer, a sexual deviant, an idol worshipper, etc. The problem with all of that though is that it’s never explicitly written in the Torah. The Rabbis doth protest too much.
What we know from the Torah is opaque. Isaac, one of the forefathers after all, seems to prefer Esav to his other son Jacob. That’s a big deal! Despite the fact that God had prophesied that the family legacy would pass through Jacob, Rav Yehuda Amital (zt’l) of Yeshivat Gush Etzion notes the following:
Yitzchak saw Esav as better equipped for this task. Esav was cunning and daring. He would be able to improve things and to make things happen. Esav was a man of the world, a man of courage and boldness, and Yitzchak thus saw him as the successor of Avraham.
In his own eyes, Isaac saw Esav as the proper successor. We can see this connection between the two all the way through this painful exchange here. Esav makes some bad decisions but is he as reprehensible as the Rabbis make him out to be? Not by a long shot.
So what does he do that’s so wrong? The answer, I believe, comes in the form of his hatred and grudge holding. As the Talmud argued, it was a fiery rage that kept him alive. But anyone who’s ever been angry over a long period of time knows, that feeling can only last for so long. Either it burns you out or you transform it into something productive.
Think that’s too modern of a take? Take it from the Yalkut Shimoni,1 a medieval collection of teachings on Tanakh:
With regard to this did Jeremiah say to have it written, 'Surely the shepherd boys will drag away [the evil ones, Edom or Babylonia in defeat].' (Jeremiah 49:20, 50:45) Rabbi Samuel son of Nachmani said, 'We have a tradition in our hands that Esau [i.e., evildoers, identified with Esau, Edom, and Babylonia] will not fall except into the hands of [the tribal descendants of] Rachel's children [i.e., Joseph or Benjamin]. Why? Because if the other tribes were to bring suit against Esau, saying, 'Why did you pursue your brother [our ancestor Israel to harm him (see e.g., Genesis 27:41)]? [We, Israel, have a claim against you for this!]' Then he [Esau can] say to them, 'Why did you pursue your brother Joseph [to harm him]? You are no better than I!' But if Joseph should come to him and say, 'Why did you pursue your brother?', he [Esau] will have no answer. For if Esau were to say '[I pursued him] because he did me evil!' [Joseph could reply,] 'My brothers also requited me with evil, and I requited them with good!' Immediately he [Esau would have to] be silent. And about this is it written, 'See, they are become like straw, Fire consumes them; They cannot save themselves From the power of the flame . . .' (Isaiah 47:14). 'Behold, they are become like straw' -- this refers to Esau .
This is Midrash at its finest. The only people who have a rightful claim to argue against Esav are Joseph and Benjamin. Why? The other brothers can’t claim the upper hand against Esav because they used their grudge and rage against their brother by trying to kill him/sell him into slavery. It’s only Joseph, who had righteous rage against his brothers and ultimately chose to transform it, who could possibly argue against Esav’s emotional response here.
The Midrash ends with a flourish, quoting from the prophet Isaiah, who in a lengthy diatribe castigating those who practiced magic and take advantage of the elderly and the young, will end up burning up from their own rage. At the start of that chapter (47:3) in Isaiah it says about God:
נָקָ֣ם אֶקָּ֔ח וְלֹ֥א אֶפְגַּ֖ע אָדָֽם׃ {פ}
I will take vengeance,
And let no one intercede.
It’s noteworthy that God is the one described as the vengeance taker. Fueling that vengeance is a rage that can only be channeled through the Divine. Humans do not have that capacity. We have to find a way to siphon this rage and not hold so dearly to the grudges.
This is highlighted by our original verse where the verse tells us Vayomer Esav B’libo-Esav speaks in his heart. Why does the text choose to reference this as part of his response and not just say, Esav said? According to Rabbeinu Bachya, it’s an insight into the emotions of a person who lets the rage run unalloyed:
The wicked are always “prisoners” of the dictates of their hearts, whereas the righteous are in full control of their hearts. We have a number of verses speaking of wicked people in which the Bible uses the same expression…The word בלבו must be contrasted with the expression אל לבו, “to his heart,” as distinct from “in his heart.” When you speak “to your heart,” you are the boss. When a voice speaks “in your heart,” the heart is the boss.
The difference is the ability to have some semblance of control over your emotions versus your emotions running you. In heightened times such as these, it’s only natural that we get off-balance a bit. We’ve been wounded. Most of us are far away from really feeling helpful. So letting that rage run rampant feels nice at first but like Isaiah said, that fire is all consuming.
In one of the more moving pieces on this dynamic, one of the great thinkers and commentators of Judaism , Rabbi Moshe Chayim Luzzato2 offers this:
Hate and revenge, too, are very difficult for man's spiteful heart to escape, for in view of his being extremely sensitive to insult, and suffering great anguish because of it, revenge, being the only thing which will put him at rest, is sweeter than honey to him. Therefore, if it is within his power to abandon the urging of his nature and to overlook the offense so as not to hate the one who ignited hatred within him, nor to take revenge against him when the opportunity to do so presents itself, nor to hold a grudge against him, but to forget the whole affair and remove it from his heart as if it had never occurred — if he can do this, he is strong and courageous. Such conduct is easy only for the ministering angels among whom the aforementioned traits do not exist, not for "dwellers in houses of clay whose roots are in dust" (Iyov 4:19). But the King has decreed, in perfectly lucid language, requiring no interpretation: "Do not hate your brother in your heart ... You shall not take vengeance or bear a grudge against your countrymen.”
Maybe it’s wishy washy and aspirational but I find the charge inspiring now. I want to be clear. I am feeling so much of this stuff and I don’t like it. I recognize its power within me and I feel like it is shaping me into something I don’t want to be, so this is my attempt to offer a different path forward.
As any psychologist would tell you, the first step in dealing with an emotional response is to recognize it, pay attention to it, notice when it appears, and then begin to address it. This is my attempt to out myself for my rage and my grudge holding.
As the Ramchal argues, this work is only easy for angels and angels we are not. Yet, we are told just as simply, do not bear a grudge. Shany Mor, an Israeli journalist, eloquently wrote that so much of the Palestinian cause has been fueled, not by a desire for statehood but by a desire for the destruction of the Other. Much of the same could be said about acts of wanton vigilantism across Israel. It is clear that what happened on 10/7 was built almost entirely on this type of rage.
And yet, it’s also clear that we can’t keep living like this. So I offer this to you as an ally in this work. It is not easy and progress won’t be linear but I think our hearts and souls require it. It doesn’t mean we can’t be angry but we have to fight back against the type of rage that Esav felt, sinah tmunah, a hatred that preserves. It corrodes because it’s not controlled. So let’s wield that rage. Let’s take what we need from the grudges and let them go. Speak to your heart. Don’t let it speak for you.
Shabbat Shalom
Remez Nach 51:1
18th century Italy, Amsterdam, Israel