Pivot

Can You?

What is your nature? Take a second and answer that question. Write it down or contemplate it for a minute…When you have your list, assess how many of those characteristics feel like an ancient part of yourself? Now break them down further. Of those ancient ones, how many of those do you define yourself by? I’m not talking about the the tertiary ones. I’m talking about the primary movers, the ones that define much of how you show up in the world.

Those foundational parts of who we are play a huge part in our lives. Sometimes they propel us and sometimes they hinder us, but they are always there. I’ve been thinking about the ones with which we associate positively and how we wear that badge proudly. This came up recently in a therapy session when a particular set of deeply held values was voiced back to me by my therapist. As she was saying them, I found myself nodding along like a bobblehead doll.

Yeah, that’s exactly me, I thought!

And then, she continued:

And that’s where the problem is…

After I unclenched my jaw, she continued explaining to me that this deeply embedded part of myself, as much as it serves me in so many capacities of life, can be a fairly intrusive hindrance. I try to be a nuanced thinker, shifting myself away from binaries, but I think this was a real blindspot in my life. Namely, I saw this essential part of my being as only serving me positively. But she helped me realize that it’s often those deeply held parts of ourselves that can cut both ways.

We all know the adage, you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. But do we really believe it? Or better yet, do we even want the new tricks? This popped into my head this week as we open up on Abraham’s journey in parshat Lekh Lekha. When he is told by God to head out, the specific command given in Genesis 12:1 is:

וַיֹּ֤אמֶר יְהֹוָה֙ אֶל־אַבְרָ֔ם לֶךְ־לְךָ֛ מֵאַרְצְךָ֥ וּמִמּֽוֹלַדְתְּךָ֖ וּמִבֵּ֣ית אָבִ֑יךָ אֶל־הָאָ֖רֶץ אֲשֶׁ֥ר אַרְאֶֽךָּ׃

God said to Abram, “Go forth from your native land and from your father’s house to the land that I will show you

That ‘go forth’ can be literally translated as go to or go for yourself. Rashi, the preeminent biblical commentator argues that the ‘for yourself’ part of this commandment is that it will be for your benefit. Namely, that leaving your homeland will prove to be a net positive for you. Rashi’s explanation of that benefit is externally motivated, in that Avraham will be able to have a family and a nation once he leaves. Staying at home, under the influences of his community and family, he will remain shackled and stunted in his growth.

I was curious if there were any comments that spoke to an internal benefit. Was there anything Avraham gained by leaving, that aided the essence of who he was? A beautiful answer came from the Sfat Emet¹, quoting his grandfather, the Chiddushe Ha’Rim, both early leaders of the Gerrer hasidic dynasty:

This verse teaches us that first and foremost, a person needs to remove roadblocks from their life. To do so, they need to ‘forget’ their nature and in so doing, they merit to see the truth. A person has an inner essence that is garbed in external forms that prevent one from understanding who they truly are. This directive of ‘go out’ is a reminder to leave from those perceived attributes and find your inner essence.

We all have a mix of attributes and characteristics that make us up, argues the Sfat Emet. Some of them are more foundational to who we actually are. What happens in life is that we begin to develop narratives and beliefs about ourselves that might be more superficial than we’d like to admit. Those conceal who we really are.

So our work becomes sifting through the layers to uncover our truest selves. It’s not that those outer layers aren’t part of who we are. But rather, they might not be as true to who we really are and when we can ‘forget’ our nature, that is to relinquish some of the beliefs we have about ourselves, maybe we can understand ourselves more deeply.

That brought me back to my therapist’s words. What parts of my story are the truest version of me? I think sometimes we let those self-definitions get the better of us. They limit our potential for self-growth and they hinder our external relationships as well. How often do we all frame resistance to something, a change or a decision because we’re not that type of a person? Looking back, maybe we could’ve used some lekh lekha energy in that moment to forget a little bit about who we are.

While daunting, this work is possible. Psychologists² tell us that we can shift our personality traits over time with incremental changes. Avraham (and i’d argue most of the characters in the Torah) shows this with his own development. We can make little shifts, here and there to work on our self-development.

The process is hard because the stories we tell are very convincing. It’s nice to always feel confirmed in what we’re doing, hence my head nodding along to my therapist. But it might not be the best and truest way to live our lives. Even though her comment back startled me, it gave me an important insight into a growing edge that I have. What part of my nature do I need to forget?

Wherever you are, your lekh lekha moment could be just around the corner. Age knows no limit when it comes to our growth. So get curious about yourself. Write down what you think are your essential building blocks. Ask a person who intimately knows you. Then, assess yourself. Have any of those building blocks held you back?

If your answer is yes, then get going and see what you can ‘forget’ because the journey awaits you.

Shabbat Shalom and Happy Weekend!

1. Reb Yehudah Aryeh Leib Alter (1847-1905, quoting his grandfather, Yitzchak Meir Rotenberg Alter (1799-1866) in Lech Lecha 29 in 1901

2. https://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2Fbul0000088