Where Does Your Light Face?

Feel it; make space

*I wrote this before *everything* that happened yesterday. More to come on that as the story develops but I hope you’ll join me in praying for Israel, innocent civilians in Iran, peace and quiet, and a desire for cool heads to prevail.*

Picture that moment in your life when you’ve been preparing over a long period of time. You’ve done the work and now you’re ready for the end of the process when suddenly you’re hit with a thought. What if I am not good enough? What if someone else’s offering dwarfs mine? What if the value I bring or my unique voice on this doesn’t measure up?

That anticipatory shame and worry is universal. We’re creatures who by our nature self-critique and assess based on others. Yet when we do so, we diminish ourselves and our worth. I’ve been thinking about this as it relates to our own internal processing in the world. We find ourselves at the crossroads of life decisions both major and minor constantly, with so much noise entering in the form of advice or wisdom that it can push us to shy away from our own sense of self.

For the most part, that’s offered in good faith. People just want to help. But at some point, it begins to make you question:

Is my sense of self accurate?

Am I missing something?

Does the difference in what I see and what they see reflecting a defect on my inner compass?

As always, the eternality and relevance of our wisdom tradition has the ability to speak to the moment and shed some light on this very question.

At the beginning of the portion this week, instructions are given to the Levites on their role in the performance of various rituals. In Numbers 8:2, the Torah states:

דַּבֵּר֙ אֶֽל־אַהֲרֹ֔ן וְאָמַרְתָּ֖ אֵלָ֑יו בְּהַעֲלֹֽתְךָ֙ אֶת־הַנֵּרֹ֔ת אֶל־מוּל֙ פְּנֵ֣י הַמְּנוֹרָ֔ה יָאִ֖ירוּ שִׁבְעַ֥ת הַנֵּרֽוֹת׃

Speak to Aaron and say to him, “When you raise up the lamps, let the seven lamps give light at the front of the menorah

The bolded word there is what draws our attention this week. This particular menorah had a central light and six other lights. So it should’ve have said something like, ‘light the six lamps so that they are facing the seventh.’ The wording here in Hebrew says they should all be directed toward the face of the menorah and that all seven will be lit.

It’s all a bit muddled and unclear. Myriad answers, as you might image, are given but a resonant one this week comes from our old friend, the Sefat Emet, the 3rd Rebbe of the Gerrer Chasidic dynasty. To get there, he references a midrash at the start:

"The seven lamps shall give light towards the body of the menora." This is difficult, for it should have said "the six lamps." But the matter may be explained based on the midrash regarding the parable of the king who was invited by an ordinary person for a meal. And when the king arrived, [the ordinary person] hid all his ordinary utensils, and the king disqualified his royal utensils in order to use only the ordinary utensils.

He starts by referencing a midrash on this verse. A regular person has been invited by his friend the King to prepare a feast. He goes all out, bringing all the finest parts of his house for this meal. But when the King arrives with his retinue and all his fineries, the person is ashamed and hides his goods. The King lovingly admonishes his friend and ultimately gets rid of all of his own stuff so that they can feast on the man’s preparations. It’s a beautiful teaching on friendship and humility. But the Sefat Emet then continues:

This is what is written: "Toward the body of the menora," which is the supernal menora. For all the mitzvot are allusions to what is found above. Therefore, it is called "penei ha-menora," for it is the inner aspects [penimiyut] of the menora in the Mishkan. But nevertheless: "The seven lamps shall give light." Even though there is no resemblance between this light and the supernal light, only the king disqualified the royal utensils in order to use the ordinary utensils. And in truth, through the shame that [the ordinary person] felt, so that he hid his utensils, he merited that his utensils be accepted by the king. For after all his preparations, a person must surely come to this shame and effacement. Then his actions have room to rise before the king. Thus, all the illumination comes from the fact that it is toward the body of the menora. Understand this. (Sefat Emet, Beha'alotekha, 5638)

The wording in the verse, where it says the candles should face the face of the menorah-el mul p’nei ha’menorah, is related to the word penimi’ut-the inner essence. For the Sefat Emet here, the inner essence he sees the verse referencing is the mitzvot and God’s presence. In other words, this verse is teaching that everything we do should be directed toward a divine purpose. The inherent contradiction in that is that our little earthly deeds will always pale in comparison to the divine light and it’s inevitable that we feel shame. But in feeling that shame, we actually create room for the recognition that our light is still powerful and wanted.

He’s clearly speaking about this in a theological framework, but I want to interpret through the aforementioned dynamic of how we can honor the fullness of ourselves in these moments we find ourselves in when we begin to question our selves. I see the six candles that face this seventh more powerful candle as our unique views and values that color our thinking. When we compare them to the power of this central candle, these voices that surrounds us, we might feel that shame or need to self-nullify.

But here is where the Sefat Emet advises us to push on. That pause and reflection actually allows us to realize the power of our own voice and our own gifts. We are in this moment because we have prepared uniquely for it and as such, are uniquely situated to respond to it.

To be sure, there’s a need for the network of people that surround us to give us that cushion and wisdom. And yet, there’s a balance to be struck. Speaking personally, I tend to err on the side of self-diminishing. I often find myself quieting my own voice but this teaching bolsters me.

As life advances and crossroads continue to meet us, we can do our best to remember its wisdom. The inner essence of our world is strong but so are our voices and views. When our light can remain lit and not squashed as it faces that central pillar, its strength can raise all of us up.

Shabbat Shalom and Happy Weekend!