The Second Time Through

Learning New Strength

As some of you know, my wife and I were blessed to welcome our second child into the world a little over a month ago. Nili Carmel in Hebrew and Nili Irene in English was born on January 10th and has joined Cal, Louie, Lauren, and me to make us a family of 5.

For those that have been readers for awhile now, you might remember that I struggled mightily when Cal was born. Postpartum depression rocked me. It took me a few months to find my footing and even then, the growth hasn’t always been linear.

So anticipating a second child, even with all the work that I did, gave me a lot of anxiety. I find that the more time I spend anticipating something, I can unearth flaws, faults, and failures that don’t even exist yet! That’s the thing about depression. Even when you feel like you have a handle on it, it’s always there lurking.

Before I even knew Nili, I kept reminding myself in those moments that I had done this before, I had a great support system, and I needed to trust the work that I had done. The two greatest reminders I had from Cal’s initial months were that time always moves forward, yes, even in the throes of the middle of the night and witching hours. And no matter what, it was never solely on me to figure it all out. I had Lauren, my family, my faith, and my friends to buoy me. That gave me immense strength even in the face of the impending arrival.

The recognition that we can rely on others is not always what society tells us is strong. After all, the rugged individualism of western culture might argue the opposite. You can pull yourself up if you tap into your own inner resolve. This is true to a point but in parenting (and many other areas truth be told), recognizing that it’s not all on me has helped me find my way.

Strength is just one of the attributes suggested to Moshe in this week’s portion, by his father in law Yitro, that he should be looking out for in the leaders that he is choosing. In the initial conversation in Exodus 21:21, we read the following recommendation from Yitro to Moshe:

וְאַתָּ֣ה תֶחֱזֶ֣ה מִכׇּל־הָ֠עָ֠ם אַנְשֵׁי־חַ֜יִל יִרְאֵ֧י אֱלֹהִ֛ים אַנְשֵׁ֥י אֱמֶ֖ת שֹׂ֣נְאֵי בָ֑צַע וְשַׂמְתָּ֣ עֲלֵהֶ֗ם שָׂרֵ֤י אֲלָפִים֙ שָׂרֵ֣י מֵא֔וֹת שָׂרֵ֥י חֲמִשִּׁ֖ים וְשָׂרֵ֥י עֲשָׂרֹֽת׃

You shall also seek out, from among all the people, capable individuals who fear God—trustworthy ones who spurn ill-gotten gain. Set these over them as chiefs of thousands, hundreds, fifties, and tens, and…

The translation makes it a bit clunky but in essence, the four attributes he suggests are capable, God-fearing, truthful, and ethical. For all intents and purposes, it’s a solid list from which to build a cadre of leaders. But then, when Moshe puts the plan into action four verses later, we read:

וַיִּבְחַ֨ר מֹשֶׁ֤ה אַנְשֵׁי־חַ֙יִל֙ מִכׇּל־יִשְׂרָאֵ֔ל וַיִּתֵּ֥ן אֹתָ֛ם רָאשִׁ֖ים עַל־הָעָ֑ם שָׂרֵ֤י אֲלָפִים֙ שָׂרֵ֣י מֵא֔וֹת שָׂרֵ֥י חֲמִשִּׁ֖ים וְשָׂרֵ֥י עֲשָׂרֹֽת׃

Moses chose capable individuals out of all Israel, and appointed them heads over the people—chiefs of thousands, hundreds, fifties, and tens;

As you can see, only “capable individuals” makes the cut. Some commentators argue that the other attributes are implied and that capable serves as an umbrella phrase. But a deeper meaning can be found when we actually unpack what “capable” means here.

In the Hebrew, capable is being translated from the phrase אַנְשֵׁי־חַ֙יִל֙. That moniker, “anshei hayil,” could be more literally translated as strong individuals. Hayil is a word often associated with militaristic might and physical power. Singling it out here, the text seems to want us to understand that these leaders Moshe is seeking out shouldn’t just be ethically, spiritually, and truthfully minded, but they should be strong.

But what is strength here?

Offering one possible tantalizing take, the Mei Hashiloah, the great Chasidic master from Ishbitza in the 19th century interprets as follows:

Moshe only focused on strength as one of the four attributes. This is because the phrase “strong people” hints at an awareness these types of people have that their strength is not really their own. Rather, it is a strength that comes from the Divine. True strength is the ability to recognize that your strength is not really your own.

Speaking to an audience that is operating with a strong theological bent, the Mei Hashiloah says that the strongest person is the one who has the strongest belief in God and recognizes that their capabilities are not intrinsically their own. It comes from other places.

If I may, I want to broaden what he is saying. Our strength as individuals does not come from having all the answers or skills. In fact, the more we can recognize that our strength probably comes from a multitude of forces external to ourselves, the more we can grow. That has been very resonant for me throughout this new chapter.

I often have an internal dialogue reminding myself in hard moments that I will get through it not only because I have done it before but because I have so much support around me. In those moments, I feel strengthened. There is a sense of being held up, recognizing that a given moment will pass, I will learn from it, and I will be stronger as a result. Without a doubt as a person who often struggles with my spirituality and relationship with God, parenting has been the area in which I have most felt divine sparks.

To be clear, there are definitely still head scratching and hair pulling inducing moments because infants are unpredictable and toddlers are chaos agents, but I am stronger in facing it. That’s not because of some book that I read or TikTok series that I watched (I am very guilty of that!) but it’s reminding myself that my strength comes from within and without and one can’t exist without the other.

Shabbat Shalom and Happy Weekend!