Beginnings and Endings

Closed and Open

As some of you know, Lauren and I are on the precipice of welcoming our second child into the world. Everything about this time feels radically different. Not just for the fact that we’re adding on to our family while trying to keep tabs on an ever-moving, wildly curious, and energetic 2+ year old but also for our attitude going into this next stage of life.

We’ve taken a more intentional approach to this birth. While one can’t fully account for a process that has so many variables, we’re doing our best to be as prepared for the unpreparable as possible. It’s surreal to be in a space in life in which one chapter is shifting and closing simultaneously with another one unfolding and expanding.

A similar dynamic is at play in this week’s portion of Vayechi. The end of the book of Genesis is on the horizon as we say goodbye to Jacob, Joseph, and all his brothers. One of the ways the Torah introduces this unique ending is literally how the Torah is laid out. Normally, a portion begins either open or closed where the previous portion ends, a paragraph breaks, and the new portion begins. Or, a portion closes off with a distinct spacing on that line before the next one begins.

Vayechi is unique in that last week’s portion ends, one space occurs, and then this one begins. As you might imagine, this sends the commentators into a tizzy. What does this little space mean?

One particular answer that threads its way through many commentaries is built on the notion that before Jacob dies, he wished to reveal something about the future end of days to his children but that’s not something we as humans, no matter how much we desire, have the ability to do. So, in essence, that revealing was “closed” for him which is represented by this short spaced closing of the portion layout.

*That underlined word is the beginning of this week’s portion

Now that’s all a bit abstract but we can divine some meaning from it. Jacob, feeling the overwhelming nature of his transition from this world, anticipated that his children would feel this loss harshly. To ameliorate that fear, he wanted to offer his children a window in what is to come. Unfortunately, as humans, try as we might, we simply can’t predict what is to come.

Jacob had reached such a heightened spiritual level that he had real clarity about what was to come next and he wanted to pass that on to children but he couldn’t because they weren’t there yet. This is akin to those we know who have lived full lives having a real sense of purpose and wisdom in their later years because of their shifting perspective. As much as they’d like to pass that skill on, it’s something each of us has to find on our own. In being blocked from passing this along, a valuable lesson is imparted to those of us on the precipice of comings and goings according to the Ba’al Shem Tov, the great originator of contemporary chasidut:

If a person knows that the Holy One is concealed in a certain place, it is no longer concealment, for we will say that all evildoers have been dispersed. Therefore, it says: "And I will surely hide My face." That is to say, God will hide from them, so that they have no knowledge whatsoever that the Holy One is there in concealment.

Jacob has reached the level of that first clause. He has such clarity of mind at the end of his days that he sees the Divine in everything. Nothing is concealed any more. But those of not there live in a world of concealment where divinity is sometimes hidden. But instead of thinking of concealment has wholly negative, concealment for the Ba’al Shem Tov is a reminder that there is a spark hidden within that concealment.

That’s why it was necessary for his children to remain in the dark. They needed to go on their journeys to find this hidden kernel so that one day, they too could reach clarity of mind.

As I have written about before in this space, I struggled mightily when Cal was born with depression. The lack of control, sleep, and general life upheaval took me by total surprise. No matter how much I told myself to relinquish control, it was a shock to my system and I often wondered, would this ever change?

Well here we are, two plus years down the road, and I am grateful for the ways in which I have grown, thankful to modern medicine, my family, and sense of submission to that which is greater than I am. One of the great mysteries I am still unpacking is that time has a funny way of smoothing rough patches. It is constantly shifting beneath our feet, even if we don’t notice.

As I approach this next closing and opening, I am heartened by the message from this week’s portion. There is still so much hidden about what is to come. In the past, that petrified me because I desired to just know. Now, anxiety is still there but also a sense of calm and dare I say excitement in realizing that concealed within that is so much light, goodness, and hope. Getting there is the sacred path.

Sending wishes that wherever you are, you too can find that light in that which is hidden for you.

Shabbat Shalom and Happy Weekend!